..we’re loosing the battle, as long as we hold on to control, to our illusion of ‘protection’ avoiding, justifying and explaining ourselves, why we are right!!
In my life, I have been trying so hard to proof to myself and others that I was smart, that I was perfect! I was wounded early in my childhood by people close to me that had a little fun, calling me: ‘stupid’. I worked so hard to prove others wrong, that I ended up with an emotional and physical stress disorder. Through my personal development work, I finally gained awareness that I have always been smart and pretty perfect:)!! Yet, even now in my sixties, whenever, someone tries to fault me for not doing my best, I can feel my inner resistance, a gut reaction of anger come up. Today, I am too aware to allow my reaction to surface and instead my ‘voice of awareness’ will override my deep emotional wounding. That is how I build new neurological pathways in my brain that will eventually become as strong and even stronger than the pathway of my ‘Wounded Self’.
My relationships to men were compromised early in my life, having observed my parent’s interactions. A dominant mother and a weak, often absent father.
I had a deep desire to create a successful relationship with the opposite sex, yet, at the same time unconsciously I was very fearful of such a commitment.
For more than 25 years, I kept choosing men, who, just like my dad, were emotionally unavailable and of course, I had unrealistic expectations.
I eventually got tired of the blame game.
It was only through doing my personal growth work that I woke up to realizing that unless I surrendered to vulnerability which equals trusting men and making myself available to them. I eventually allowed to be chosen, which helped me to break my ‘old story of men’ and got me on a wonderful path of a very happy marriage to an amazing man!!
To loving yourself, to trusting yourself, to knowing that you’re not alone, that you’re safe, you’re seen, you’re supported and provided for, always.
Feeling safe from what?
Feeling safe from the thunder & lightning of a storm, from any creepy, crawly animals that scare you, feeling safe from the milkman or postman ( if you’re my generation ) or from the onslaught of aliens, monsters, vampires, the devil or bad witches as seen on our smarts TVs.
Feeling safe from the closest people that live around you, yes, those people that supposed to keep you safe, care for you, nurture and love you unconditionally.
We are indeed most scared of them. Their unpredictable moods, their vicious tempers, their calculated manipulations and personal attacks upon us.
We are scared of feeling unloved, unworthy, separated, forgotten, betrayed and belittled in any form. We are masters, however, of denial and very skillful in ‘protecting’ ourselves. We build ‘invisible walls’ around us, that no one, including ourselves, can see. They are thick & heavy, deep & dark.
We are hopeful that all those feelings will go away or can never be found again…..until they keep showing up over & over, again.
All our efforts to hide them is in vain.
And then, we’re hopeful again, because, we are such masters of ‘protection’ and we become very effective in presenting to others, what it is that they want to see, hear and feel.
As for us, we choose to live in survival mode, we’re fighting a constant inner struggle with others, the world and ourselves. We are loosing the battle….
‘Freeing Godiva’ is the quest of a woman to liberate herself, so she can share all she is with others. An ex-boyfriend back in London, England, long before I got involved in this project here in NYC, used to call me ‘Lady Godiva’. I guess, he saw something in me that I did not even see in myself at that time. I was familiar with the legend of Godiva. She was a noble woman in the 11th century whose passion to bring art & culture to her people took her above any fear and had her step up to her husband’s challenge.
My own journey to self-empowerment was and still is not always easy and I constantly need to be really listening inside myself to understand where the journey will lead me. My move from New York City to the outback of the Crazies in the rural State of Montana was not my idea, it was guided by my husband, who I married 3 years ago. A very late 1st marriage at 53 yrs of age to a man that I greatly admire and who came into my life to teach me how to nurture, share and align myself to the freedom of pure nature. Living here for the last 6 months makes me realize, how sterile, tight and automatic, yet, very comfortable my life in the big city was. I was so used to city life that nothing much could upset my status quo – yet, at the same time, nothing much could change or transform within me…
I am inviting you to contemplate this change as you’re looking at those images representing my past and my now habitat.
I am certainly not someone that has not moved around a lot – yes, from country to country and even continents – yet, I’ve always lived a city life and to move to such a remote location certainly stirred up a place within me that felt uncomfortable. Yet, inside of me, I know, that I had to come here as there will never be true change in our lives, unless, we’re willing to face our deep rooted discomfort, adversity or fear and learn how to go beyond it.
At this point, I would like to invite you to comment and look at your own life to reflect:
What could be a real stretch for me – a challenge that can turn into a huge opportunity in my life -
if I were willing to face it?